Come on then stars, you showy little fuckers, perforate the dark I dare you.

So last night I saw Sharks Took The Rest for, I don't know, the millionth time and I'll tell you what, it really only gets better because one, you know all the lyrics to the album tracks even when you don't realise it and two, when they play new songs it's awesome because then you know there is something new to learn over time (and hope for in a new release). Live music is the best. Currently in the band they have some of Matt Stalker and the Fables helping out and damn is Matt good on the high harmony notes! I keep forgetting this as a thing because I only saw them once (at a STTR single release gig) but he's very good. Funny moment of the night was when the microphone cable fell out of the mic and he had no sound.

Anyway point is good gig was good and I love live music.

Catch up time:

I was in a show. I had a role in a show. I didn't mess up any of my lib (all three lines every night!) and even the singing was fine (even a little bit of quintet goodness worked out in the end). Ultimately I totally rocked it and feel rather confident now. You know that whole "wait... you mean I could actually do it if I tried hard enough/was given the opportunity/didn't really suck at auditions?" yeah that. In fact I'm still feeling rather cocky about it after so many compliments :D I totally want to try at more... even though I do most years... oh little diva stage buzz! Anyway it was awesome because it was The Grand Duke and that's a fabulous show and I was totally knackered every night after it.

I was in another show. The next week. I'll tell you what, the only bit that makes two shows in two weeks crap is that the omgweneedtorehearse stage of the second show overlaps the performance of the first and makes things stressful and difficult. However after a lot of indecision Princess Ida definitely grew on me by performance time (mostly because I got to be angry for 2/3rds of the show and that was a nice change to dense bimbo that seems to be most of the female choruses in G&S).

I didn't get a job. Got the interview though and totally did well at that so I feel ok about the whole thing because confidence is my main issue in life.

I went on an adventure with Tarq. I had been rather ill and one day I asked (in whispers because that's all my voice would allow) if we could go on an adventure.

"what, today?"

"nope, I have work. Tomorrow?"

"ok"

 And that was that. I didn't mind too much where we went, I just wanted to go somewhere slightly different. Really anywhere would suffice. He is excellent at confusing me though and kept pretending to turn off and in fact took the junction back onto the road we'd just come off. It was ridiculous but very fun. Anyway we ended up in Whitby. I don't remember ever going to Whitby before and so it was really nice as a surprise (I totally expected somewhere closer to home than that!) and the weather was really nice. There was lots of fun but especially an awesome red top hat that if it is still there when I go back at some point and I have money I shall buy it because it was amazing! And also lots of interesting shops and views and there was the sea! I love the sea :D I love adventure times. I love Tarq.

Not much else has happened. I've eaten a lot of chocolate today which is both awesome and a terrible idea. Actually I love confectionery a lot. Too much really but it gives me lots of buzzy energy and tastes really good. So really that's ok then :)

There are many things that I'm considering in life. Confectionery, ludomusicology, G&S, recorders... I have always had an issue that I consider too many things at once. I tend towards Jack of all trades rather than particularly good at one thing. I see things on stalls and think "I could make that" or hear a thing and think "I could make something sound like that, or do a similar thing" but aside from being rather useful in making me not spend my money I'm actually not very good at following through. I couldn't even tell you if I was any good at the actual thing or not because I don't get far enough. It's highly bothersome.

I also don't know where I'm going in life. I want to do something awesome but I don't know what. It's that showy little part of me, the diva inside, that knows that I'm not really good enough but could be at least ok maybe, if I tried or even let myself be.

I think once I've finished all the scores that I need to do then I'll find I have a lot more time and a lot fewer things to do and I won't know what to do with myself because then I have to actually be an adult and not the wannabe student that I am. Everything is procrastination and once I run out of procrastinationing I don't know what I'll do!

I also would really like to get back into ludomusicology (game music). There's even a conference in April (which is actually a bit doable because it's in Easter holidays for me!) but then I think it's just me being silly and that I should grow up and you know the real world isn't about doing things like that and all that malarky. I don't know who tells people these things but I guess I'm a bit jaded. I love dreaming but know that it's just a dream and nothing else. But I would like to do more with it because I enjoy analysis, I probably can't do it very well anymore and I don't know any of the right terms, but I do enjoy doing it and video game music analysis is just more interesting to me. You can take the entire soundtrack and find things that link from one to the next or find reasons why this bit of music happens here. Not just "oh the forte here is dramatic for dramaticsake or just to add tension or whatever" but "the forte here links with the image happening on the screen and that makes everything EPIC". I like the links rather than just music by itself. The whole art form rather than just one bit. But whenever I think about it I don't feel smart enough. I don't feel like I could ever be good enough to do any of that and that if anyone read it they'd laugh at me and then kick my whilst I'm down or something.

I waste so much time worrying than actually doing that it's ridiculous. 

Anyone fancy giving me some direction?

Please?

Waiting hopefully,

Buttercup xxxxxxxxx

Love is free and life is cheap and as long as I've got me a place to sleep

I went and saw Frank Turner on Saturday with a few folks (although it was just me and Tarq for the actual gig because we all arrived at different time and some of us had different types of tickets) but we were all at the same place at the same time and it was awesomes! I mean I got there after a 7hr shift (where there was no sitting) to a gig (with no sitting) and I was jumping up and down and dancing and shouting the songs (whoops, and now my throat is broken... but I'm actually ill as well) and it was awesome. He was so excellent live and definitely on my list to see again :D

But that was only a couple of days ago and I haven't been on here in aaaaaages. Since then I have changed my number and I'm now 24. There have been pandas, fireworks, stress, ill, more ill, happy occurrences, food, drinks, too much drinks, far too many rehearsals, scores left right and centre, singing, dancing, shoes, love, happiness, work, posh meals, flute concertos, dresses and orange tights.

I also discovered that safety lighters have good reason to be so, since I've just singed my thumb with it. Kinda hurt but seems fine now.

Actually there are some dilemmas happening. Firstly I do many rehearsals a week (6 at the last count if I make it to all of them in a week but that depends on work and if I am well enough), and then I want to see people outside rehearsals and to have nice relaxing times, but I have to fit in all the commission work that I'm doing that I don't have time to sort out my room (and the dining room because it's messy from the last bookmouldday) that it's in a permastate of untidy. I've lost my pokemon emerald that I bought ages ago and didn't have time to start and now would rather like to but it's nowhere to be found. Really what I need to do is completely empty my room and put things back slowly and all in the right places instead of in as many corners as a box room can have, and then the sides as well, and any space in the middle. I need to reorganise my shelves, pokemon cards, desk, floor, wardrobe but where is the time?! I don't know. I nearly always have a relatively clear doorway though because I constantly start tidying whenever I've had a hurricane day and couldn't work out what to wear and everything is on the floor, and then I don't have time, or I get bored or something else happens. But at least I can get into my room I guess :)

I'm very content though. In life. Right now. This instant. No lies. I don't know how that happened and probably tomorrow I'll be off on another emotion but today, even with everything ever that is there (mostly sneezing, not talking and snufflying) I'm content. I'm not famous, I'm not special in that regard. But I have people I love and people who love me and that is all that is really important. I know so many brilliant people, who make me insanely jealous of all their wonderfulness and stuff, and I'm so lucky to have all of that. I'm contentedly overwhelmed. I used to think 'why me? why do people stay with me and talk to me?" but now it's "well why not?". This isn't arrogance (at least not intentionally) but just acceptance that I'm not that bad a person. I try hard to be nice and to not make people sad. I try to help when I can so actually it's ok. I don't need to worry about why people are there. They are. Accept it. Enjoy it. Have a great fucking time :D I mean I still stress out all the time about everything ever but I'm also ok with a lot of things too.

I am also a panda heroine. Srsface. :| It's what makes me awesome. 

You know what I like? Trees, books, flowers, dry crisp days, the future, christmas, dreams, sleeping but waking up to snuggles, music, laughing, pokemon, pandas, candy, masterchef. omg I love masterchef! It's so good and the general public can't mess it up by voting for whoever is the prettiest because it's a cookery programme and so it's people who know their stuff who choose who stays and who goes. There was a man who made a carrot cake in a plant pot. It was amazing! I wish the BBC put people's recipes (the ones that work) on the internet so people can make the things themselves. I would totally make potted carrot cake for people I know. I even know where I can get little pots from. And tin buckets! In all different colours. Could have a whole series of cute baked goods in quirky cases. I think in the tin buckets I'd put paper cases though because I don't know how the metal would effect the taste. Wouldn't want it to taste bad because that would be sad.
Although I don't want to be a chef like that. I would rather like to do confectionery. I have a book. I have a thermometer (very important). I just need a marble slab and a heavy copper pan and I can get started on most of hte basics. Well ok I'll need ingredients too but htat part is kinda obvious. I don't like cooking big things like cakes or meal dishes. I mean they're ok but not really my thing. I like making cupcakes because they're little and fun and you can put random things in and they taste awesome. My favourite is to put jam or lemon curd in them. It makes them soft and moist and flavoursome without resorting to artificial flavours. And if the jam has fruities in it then you get chunks of strawbs or whatever you chose. Or you can put the jam in the icing. Both work :D if you put jam in the sponge they don't go stale as quickly because they aren't dry to begin with. But I like making sweet things and little things. Much more interesting. I might try making biscuits because I'm meant to make some for the work "do" because we all have to take things. I reckon this means a trip round the different cookery shops/parts of shops to get some christmas themed cutters! I'll probably try to make a double batch and keep some at home for family and friends.

The only problem with that food is that it rots your teeth and is very calorific. I know you shouldn't worry too much about that kind of thing but practise means perfect and practise means lots of sweetythings to eat and eat and eat. But good fun times. And if they were good enough I could give them to people as presents and then it'd be cool because they'd be different to the ones in the shops and awesome.

Like I said I like dreaming.

I had an epic plan for a thing but now I think I might be too ill to pull it all off. Gonna try though :D it'll be exciting if it works. I'm not a planning type but some things just feel like they should happen, you know what I mean?

Tomorrow I'm going to try and sort some things out to make life even more awesome. Today I feel all the love and contentness for everything and everyone. I have some plans and some interesting things to think about over the next couple of weeks to try and put into motion. Most of which will never see fruition but if even one or two things happen then maybe the others will happen in time. I always say tomorrow. Technically this will happen today. I best sleep so I can get on with my plans. I think my brain is all bzzzted out. I can see my 24th year being awesome (although I just wondered is it not technically my 25th year since your first year doesn't have a number? Ummm... well this year anyway :D). You know what will make it awesome? I will. I will make sure it is awesome because of everything and everyone. So I will and you will. We will make it awesome come hell, high water or any other obscure weather this country would like to try!

I have love, I have life, I have a bed (or two), clothes and food. I don't need anything more.

Until next time,

all of the loves

Buttercup xxxxxxxxxxx

Wake me up, when September ends...

Things I love about Autumn:

Kicking leaves, dry crisp days, the colours, Halloween, thick wooly tights, scarves, hats, gloves, blustery days, rosy cheeks, soup, snuggling, seeing-your-breathing weather, darker nights, conkers, layered clothing, duvet nesting, swooshy coats, hot radiators, Bonfire Night, sparklers, fireworks, boots, fallen leaves, squirrels and hedgehogs, first frost.

I really really love Halloween and Bonfire night. My birthday is the day before Halloween so I've nearly always had fancy dress parties. I love dressing up, I love themes, orange, purple, green, black. I love black cats and pumpkins, ghosties and bats, witches and monsters. I love stripy tights and floaty skirts, big boots and lace. Ribbons and silliness. Candy, toffee apples and cakes. Pumpkin carving (although not the hollowing out, it's very hard work). Candles and fairylights. Nightmare Before Christmas and silly scary films. Surprisingly I've never actually been trick or treating but that no longer bothers me.

How cute is that cake? Although I would make the slices in it thicker or just sandwich one with orange cream in the middle because that looks really fiddly. Amazing though! I may have to make some fondant pumpkins though :D and other halloween sweeties! I have some wonderful cookie cutters that I got last year and haven't yet broken in so I reckon I'll do some of that closer to the time. I have pumpkin bubble pots somewhere which are really awesome, I'll probably dig them out soon too :D

Bonfire night is just awesome. All the fizz-whizz-bang and the pretty colours and the lights. Normally I hate loud noises in the dark, it normally makes me very twitchy but fireworks are just awesome. High-flying rockets, dizzying catherine wheels (when they work), glittering fountains. Spark-kissed hands from a sparkler and only wearing knitted gloves (if any at all). Indoor sparklers with the slight fear that you might set something, anything, everything on fire but just the joy of a tiny little spluttering firework in your hands with none of the cold of outside. Blazing bonfires, the smell of woodsmoke caught in your hair. Embers twirling off into the night. Toasted marshmallows, normally only done on a candle because I don't have a bonfire of my own. Watching all of the fireworks in Newcastle from my bedroom window, sleeping with the curtains open, hoping I don't miss the best ones. The ooh and the ahh (and the just a little bit (couldn't help myself there)).Warming up in the house by the radiator or a fire.

Autumn makes me so happy. I do love all the seasons but I'm an autumn baby so I have a particularly soft spot for it all. Everything is so exciting with one final burst of colour, one final push until Winter and that brings its own joys and excitements :D but that will have to wait until late November!

Loves, snuggles and duvets for all!

Buttercup xxxxxxxxxxx

I will ride, I will fly, chase the wind and touch the sky

I don't really remember how much time has passed since my last blog. It says the last post was 25th June but that doesn't mean an awful lot in real money to me. I have a few milestones but they all seem to happen in one lump at the start of August and really nothing happened in July.

• My books acquired mould again, very much against what I had hoped but that is the way life is. I still don't have my primary bookshelves anymore, which makes my room look bigger but sader because books are lovely! It chose to occur when no-one was at home except for me (of course) and so that was hella stressface all over!
• Printing orchestral scores is a pain in the arse and highly stressful too. I don't recommend it to anyone (unless you are a professional printer or you enjoy inducing stress in your life, in which case by all means and do you fancy doing mine in the future?). However the scores looked pretty good even with the few hiccups that occurred, but we'll know better for next time :D
• Putting one half of my first pet to sleep. This was very much the most traumatic and it was worse because parents weren't home to deal with such issues (so I made Jonaface deal with the vets for me) and Tarq was in all day rehearsals which he couldn't miss. Her sister is still with me but I worry that she's going to get les mis (because rattybums do so). I still love her to pieces though.
• Iolanthe. After all that stress and sad the show was pretty good. I'm still apprehensive about it but mostly because I just wish I could do better. However I have been told that it sounded and looked fabulous so that's all that really matters :D that and everyone seemed to have a fantastic time! In fact I'm going to elaborate a little on Iolanthe thoughts right here and now but in a haphazard sort of way :P

Score carrying, constant rechecking, front seat, Panda driving, Les Miserables belting and half casting, over the mountain, through little villages, remeeting and new meeting, little cottage, spiral staircases, lots of talking, fun times and laughing, expensive taxi, cosy bedding, early morning, detour breakfast (not open, back to tescos), flute and piccolo playing, photo taking, wrists breaking, parent meeting, performance time, new dress (very exciting), avoiding anyone in white, pretty sure lunch was somewhere, showtime starting, not bad overture, photos midperformance, MD missing, 2nd act, applause, packing up, get out quick, dump stuff, Panda, pubtime talking, soup snack eating, chinese foodles, tastynom, travel back home with acquired Annak, sleep times again, lazy start, dreams are shattered and ice cream is dust, dreams reborn, TINY TRAIN, sweetie shop, breakfast time, 14 rolls and 16 rolls, old books and dice, new books and maps, Penistone and being sworn at by locals, tiredout, home time.

• Started second job, it was pretty good and easy enough (we were on a quiet bar that served the boxes so there was minimal customer contact). Hoping to get many more shifts but certainly don't have enough hours to move out yet >:( it is all of the rubbish.

Those are all the things that I think I have done of note recently. I haven't really been up to much, taking a break from G&S because MY GOD too much in one week much! Although I do miss G&S uni group and it's weekly rehearsals and seeing those people and I miss G&S second group (I don't remember if I gave names anywhere but I try not to use any names ever in anything because I enjoy it :P) and the people there, I will be very much glad when it all starts up again even though that means stresstastic times for me as I have two scores currently in progress and another two that may or may not make an appearance (one my brother is dealing with... aaaat some point and the other isn't confirmed yet). This whole G&S malarky seems to take over lives and I swore I wouldn't let it happen but it has and I'm not 100% complaining :P not yet anyway!

Last night I was lying in bed and my brain was composing. I was writing music and I thought to myself, should I get up (even though I've already gone to bed and am starting to go to sleep) and write and write and write (or possibly sit in front of a computer screen and curse my inability to create the things that are in my head even though they are there and waiting) or sleep at a decent time (like I have been for quite a few nights now) and hope that inspiration does not desert me. I chose the latter and inspiration did indeed desert me like a stealthy thing in the night. WHICH IS A MAJOR BOTHER! *mental salute to Maj. B* I am forever losing these moments and yes I should have just got out of bed and hoped that I wasn't still working on things until 4am but I didn't and blah!

It was after watching Brave (which, by the way, made me cry more than once because I am a sap and Pixar are just too good at everything) and the whole folky music style thing which I've been wanting to do for ages because I've been contemplating writing music with a purpose but haven't quite got round to doing anything about it. Maybe I should do some concept arts on the matter and make an immersive world and scenes and stuff and compose to that but anyway, it got me totally wired and thinking about stuff that I wanted and I was getting little riffs and instrumentation and linking phrases from one to the other and it was awesome and now it's all gone (verysadface).

Brave reminded me that I wanted to learn Gaelic (technically I wanted to learn Irish Gaelic because I love Clannad's music but Scottish Gaelic would be just as fun). Actually one thing I didn't quite get was the ages of people when they were young. Those three tiny boys, I have no idea how old they are meant to be but they seem older than their stature would make you presume. They are brilliant though. The whole thing is wonderful and I'm so glad that they made it.

I'm also hella glad that I've ordered the ost already so that when it arrives I can listen to it and hopefully be inspired. I'll have to work fast on concept arts and things for what I want to do although whether I can get everything done in time is another matter.

I also want to try and plan another NaNoWriMo but I don't know if I can, at least not in time for this November, but it's always worth trying, if I don't start now then November will be here and then it will be too late to plan for this one but too early to pressure me into planning for the next one. I'm just not sure where or when I want to set. I mean I never specify in any of my stories on that matter but is it a dystopian future, a rural past, a parallel to our own time? This planetesque? Outer spaceesque? I have a few, really I should work on L'u and Dust but I worry it's too similar to other stories I know but since I'm never going to publish it does it really matter? I worry I don't have enough to get me going but then even though I planned Snow for about 3 years I didn't know a lot about the story until I started NaNo. Will I jsut end up recycling characters too much? Will I always have an emphasis on music even accidentally that it bores people?

I should really finish Snow. I mean it has beginning, middle and end but somewhere in the middle it got to the bit that I couldn't be bothered to write out fully and so I did it in note form. I mean I still hit 50k in the month but it's not a complete novel currently and it's been a couple of years since I tackled it so I might be ok delving back into it. I should also look at what material I can salvage from previous writings, I have so many snippets, mostly from the same type of universe, that I should try and bring, at least the ideas from, together. I don't want to be a writer, many of my friends either do or have gone through that as an idea, but I don't want to be a writer at all. I don't really want to have a job that relies too much on a constant stream of creativity. I just want to get ideas flowing, concepts brewing, world creating!

I'm just finishing the fourth (and final?) book in an excellent "twilight" series:

I was rather surprised 1. with the fact that for once Blogger has let me place the covers in the correct order with minimal fuss (comparatively) and 2. that this Russian series has a lot more to offer than the first film shows. If I remember correctly the first film is actually the first third of The Night Watch (the book) (although I was aware of something that happened in The Day Watch (book) that I think happens in TNW (film) which kinda confused me). It is certainly an interesting series and ok, yes, yet again we have magicians, witches, vampires and werewolves (and others) but it seems to be covered in a thick dusty layer of realistic grey and brown (like so many computer games these days that are known as "gritty realism"). However this does not detract from it (actually it is very much more grey than brown based on the twilight levels but that is something that should be read about and not spoilerised) and certainly takes away all this Disneyfication that fantasy has taken to doing currently (I'm thinking Harry Potter, Twilight and all that spawned after it). Although yes those books are for children/YA but this (whilst only found in the sci-fi/fantasy section in book shops, well away from YA/kids etc.) isn't exactly difficult to read and could have gone down the whole vampires are misunderstood/evil route but kind of sits in the middle of vampires are just vampires like people are just people. Not everyone is "evil" even if they are Dark and not everyone is "good" even if they are Light. It doesn't do a whole lot of moral stories though, just that people (or in this case Others) are just as unfortunate and messed up as everyone else. They are branded as one type or another but means about as much as the branding of a football team in the reality of everything. It's very good and the covers are excellent, imo.

I only had the first and the last to begin with. I had picked up the first I think new from Waterstones or somewhere, probably in a sale or in a special offer, because it was pristine and it is unlikely that you get those from secondhands. The last was a charity shop buy (Oxfam if I remember correctly but that might be a fabrication). When I started on the first and discovered that I was enjoying it I jumped straight onto amazon.co.uk and bought the next one (and then the third even though it would have made more sense to buy both at the same time but I'm trying really, really, really hard not to buy new books currently so though it best to wait and see on the matter and it came almost just in time for me to start reading after finishing the second book). One of the most interesting things about it though is less on the stories (which are good) and the writing (which is also very nice) but that when it mentions a thing that occurred in another book there is an asterisk and a note telling you where this information comes from. It happens not too often that you want to hit either the author, or the translator, or the publisher for allowing it to be on the page, but just often enough that it jogs memories when things are mentioned. My favourite one (and so far has only happened once and I'm half way through the second story of book 4) is on page 78 of The Last Watch:

"This story is told in the movies Night Watch and Day Watch."

I was amused :3

I've probably wittered enough for now (and maybe the next couple of months or so :P) and I want to try and finish this book tonight because things are getting intense and it's exciting! Maybe next time a little less rambly and a few more pictures? Although my blogs are nearly always more a higher ramble to picture ratio, I think it's just the way I am (and I use this as a omg-all-of-my-brain-be-out-on-this-digitalised-form-of-paper).

Love and fluffythings,

Buttercup xxxxxxxxx

It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride

Today I finally became a member of the WWF (the panda people not the wrestling people) and also adopted a panda at the same time. I mean obviously I haven't adopted an actual panda (although that would be epicness in the extreme) but £3 of my money a month goes specifically towards pandas and £3 goes towards general conservation. That's £6 (although I do not doubt anyone's mathematical skills here except my own) and when I told mama that she was surprised and said it was a lot. But I considered this... that's less than one hour of work a month. It's between 2 and 4 drinks at a bar (at least it is for my drinks :P). It's nothing. I don't know why I haven't done it sooner, I just keep putting everything off until tomorrow and tomorrow never seems to come for those things so slowly working through the things in life that I want to do. Part of that is saving pandas. 

I can't wait until my little panda toy comes in the post.  I'll need to think of an awesome name for it.

I will also admit that I love red pandas too. They can be just as cute but look nothing like pandas. The name is somewhat misleading.

They're kinda raccoony. Very cute though and the ones I saw in London loved to sleep ALL THE TIME (that we were there anyway), lazy buggers.

I'm feeling pretty awesome recently. Medication is only required sporadically now and things are happy. Currently my blogname is a little inaccurate but I don't want to tempt fate too much :P But really I am more (on average) content than I have been in a very long time. The only bad thing about life right now is that I don't have enough time (that is useful) to see Blue and other peoples. That is the main problem with societies and rehearsals and shows and concerts, I have too many of them all the time at the times when other people (apart from those in the said socs etc.) are free to meet ups and when I do finally have a day off I just want to hermitise and not see people to catch up with everything else ever that I need to do here at home.

I'm looking at getting a second job (waiting back on an interview I just had so fingers crossed) which yay more money and yay I might plausibly be able to move out if I get enough hours (although it looks unlikely and thus I will need a third job before I can do that ¬¬) but serious boo because I won't be able to see people even more than I do currently. I'm hoping that summer hols will give me some extra time to catch up with folks.

There are not enough hours in the day or elsewise it would be beneficial if sleep was not a requirement of life.

Life is a funny thing, we spend so many hours wasting our time procrastinating and then we discover that we don't have enough hours in the days left to do everything we want to. It is both hideously short and plausibly the longest thing we will ever know (afterlife may or may not be included subject to availability). I wish life was a bit like a game like Persona4 where you can complete the game and then restart it with all your skills from the previous game so that you could just concentrate on one thing and then be able to do more next time round, if you so desired to do things that way. I wouldn't change the route only how much I do. To be honest I don't even particularly regret the procrastination (which would be my only regret if I had such things).

Loves to all, Lif xxxxxx

Reality is a lovely place but I wouldn’t want to live there

I said my next post was going to be pictures but I can't sleep and I want to witter and ramble and so things are not as planned. Actually quite a few plans are going awry but that's just the way life goes really, and they're not going badly just not how they were planned.

I've been looking further into recorders. Apparently the treble I bought from Tynemouth market for £5 is worth about £50 in shops which is pretty cool, but also interestingly it's not a good beginner's one, which explains why things have been more tricky with it than I had hoped when I was starting out. It does however have a lovely tone and so I'm happy regardless. Been looking into getting some Handel music for it (grade 4-6 standard) because once the show I'm in is over I won't have anything recordery to practise and it would be nice to get even better (and maybe understand what notes relate to which fingerings rather than just knowing the patterns that the music follows)! Only downside is that the book of recorder sonatas on amazon is apparently just the piano score and so the recorder part is teeny tiny. Or maybe the book the reviewer got was just the piano score... who knows. Anyway I found some on IMSLP but it's recorder and basso continuo. For those not in the know that means that there is the recorder line and a bass line with numbers written above it. Baroque players would know what chords and improv. harmony would fit by reading these numbers but sadly I don't remember what most of them mean and so I'm going to have to find a crib sheet and work it out. Slightly exciting though to restart on that kind of thing. It feels like ages since I did any proper academic stuff.

Pre-baroque treble

Medieval double recorder [Listen here]

Electroacoustic recorder, somewhat steampunk :D

Standard baroque treble recorder in dark wood

I am curious as to how the pre-baroque ones sound with the different fingering system and I most certainly want the double and an electroacoustic (because how sweet would that be!). I am currently a little recorder obsessed I know... :P

I looked at getting a sopranino recorder. I can get a yamaha one on amazon for about £7 which, as it is stupidly cheap, is probably quite crappy but it would be in F (standard recorders are either in C or in F, the treble that I am learning is in F and thus I want other F instruments rather than trying to now learn descant which is in C or tenor (also in C), probably best not to get into the variations on Baroque and Renaissance replica recorders as they seem to be in multiple keys and I'm not sure how that variates the fingerings) and the only other practical recorder in F is a bass but that is still a couple of £hundred at cheapest. The sole review of this yamaha instrument was that it was not a soprano recorder and it wasn't wooden and it was misleading and they couldn't play it because their fingers weren't small enough. Despite the description saying it was a sopranino, in F, made of ABS resin. Some people just complain and make excuses when they only have themselves to blame. Silly person. It is tempting though, although I could get an Aulos, like my treble, for £20 which would probably be a better instrument. All very contemplatey.

Ok something else... some pretty pictures?

Venice

I am going to be so very tired by tomorrow night. I'm really glad it is half term right now otherwise I'd be more than a little concerned at the fact that I'm not yet asleep. Sadly thought I don't think I'll be able to get up as early as I would like to see Blue tomorrow, which I was so looking forward to spending as much time as I can before my rehearsal. I don't know where my caffeine pills are either so I don't know if I'll be able to wake myself up chemically either.

Actually the bit I'm dreading the most is falling asleep on the bus over to Blue. Buses, for some reason, tend to make me sleepy on the best of days. When I'm actually tired they're terrible. I can see me falling asleep and ending up at one of the termination points (depending on when I wake up and if the driver chucks me off at the one in town). It'll just be such a bother. I mean if I'm too tired to go out tomorrow then I'll just have to pass on going out but normally I'll be dead during the day and then wake up at about 8 or 10pm and run off adrenaline for a while.

Oh god, one minute... yup, it's well and truly past dawn. Tendrils of mist linger in the corners of the field opposite and the sky is a composite of pastel pinks and blues. It's tempting to pull an all nighter now. To go back to Theme Hospital and just game until it's time to "get up" and continue life... but that is plausibly a terrible plan... I've already tried to sleep once tonight and my meds are still not kicking in. I suppose I better boost the dosage. Oh well...

Love to all,

Buttercup xxxxxxxx

I must be ahundred and nine, burning, burning, burning.

So... I'm having difficulty working out how to word all of this brainmush that's leaking out all over this metaphorical page. It's being a little impossible so I guess today we'll have to cope with my sporadic thoughts. There's just a bit more going on in there than usual.

First of all I've just finished an hour or so practising for the G&S summer show. There are some pretty tricky moments in a few of the pieces but there is one piece that is somewhat troubling me more than most and that's a piece from Floradora called "Tell Me Pretty Maiden" (not a G&S piece in case you were wondering and don't already know). In theory it's not that difficult. The issue is that it is on treble recorder and this is not an instrument that I am familiar with playing, certainly not before starting this piece. From what I can estimate using my knowledge of grade music for flute this is about grade 5 or 6 (guesstimation) which isn't bad going for someone who didn't know the fingerings for any notes until recently.

I mean it's obviously somewhat easier with the fact that I can already read music and I have a vague idea of how descant recorder works but the notes are all in the wrong place! It's so confusing >.< However I have been thinking, and it is a rather lovely instrument to play, that maybe I should learn some actual graded music. Not pass any grades because that's expensive and I would probably need a teacher and stuff, but just know the equivalent grade that I would be. Learn the scales, the music, maybe even buy some sight reading test books that instrument teachers seem to own, just to know the standard of that. I don't really need to go through the aural tests, I've done those to grade 8 flute.

I just think it would be nice to see how well I can do with it as an instrument. The main issue comes under which board I follow. Now most people would think that this only matters if you're actually taking the tests but if I follow ABRSM which is the standard in most schools, then I can just learn treble and everything is good. But if I follow The Royal Conservatory Of Music then for grade 1 I need to learn either descant or tenor and by grade 2 you can use a variety of different recorders. Later on you must use more than one recorder within your exam. So either route could be interesting and change things quite dramatically. I might learn via the ABRSM one until I can get more recorders. I only have a descant and treble right now but a tenor or a bass one would be pretty damned awesome.

I just think since I am putting quite a bit of effort in now it would be nice to carry it on with other pieces and maybe keep it open as an option for future shows.

 

I have a few projecty type ideas going on too. Something that isn't just music copying. I mean I'll have that for a while yet, quite possibly for a few years, but it would be nice to have things outside that. I want to get back to composition work. I always find it hard to motivate myself when I don't have an end goal. There will be no mark at the end and no teacher to guide me in my ideas. I would ask my friends to give me feedback but I'm always 100% nervous of everything that they might think ever and maybe they'll hate it and think I'm stupid. So... I'm not paranoid at all about that :P. I mostly just need to get to it and do things. Jump off the board and see what's at the bottom. I have half considered composing for the next couple of years and then maybe doing a masters in composition and dissertation but all of that is scary and I don't even know if I can still compose anymore.

I have some early saplings of beginnings of ideas. I'm trying not to rush them too much, because I tend to get caught up in the ideas for a week or so and then they leave. Part of the issue there though, is that the one main one I have in my mind currently will take a lot of prep work before actual composition so I don't know if it will get anywhere. Would be epicly good though if it did.

The other side of that is that I need to get some research in. My dissertation work would be within the realms of video game music but I still have no angle. No interesting theme or question to solve. I most just want to analyse. I enjoy looking at how themes have progressed over time or how the music from one game differs to another from its series but is still the same thoughts even if the composers are different and none of the notes are the same. I like looking at how they've developed a piece of music that originated on 8 bit into a full orchestral theme.I like listening to how they've made the music fit to what's happening on the screen. How they've used things in an interesting manner. It's the kind of stuff I want to compose. Music with a purpose, with recurring themes but also ambiance that, without the game or the image, might make little sense other than it is a series of rhythms and notes. I mean I don't need to do post-grad work to do any of that, I can just do it for fun, but it would be nice.

 

I've been enjoying the weather recently. It's a bit greyer at the moment but it's still very warm for me and it's nice. I like not having to wrap up in stupid amounts of layers just to feel almost human, rather than ice. It was even better when it was actual sunshine but then it was too hot in the kitchen and so work was kinda hellish.

One of my main issues with all the things I want to do; they all cost so much money! Ok some don't cost a great deal but if I'm to learn recorder better I need music and music costs money. Post-grad? That's a whole lotta money. That's part of the problem. I can't justify some of it moneywise and until I am in a comfortable enough position then I won't be able to. The recorder music I can acquire over time and it won't be very much which is good but I would certainly have to wait if I wanted to buy another recorder. We may be able to say "money doesn't matter" but it is required to do pretty much anything in life, and if you want to do a lot of things you need to acquire a lot of money. I know that this leads to the concept that I need another/different job that gives me more money but that's easier said than done. I'll have to do a blanket of CVs and kick start all of that all over again. It's a bit demoralising but needs to be done if I want more money and thus more freedom!

 

However I can enjoy reading and listening to music for free because I have so many books and unlistened to tracks (and failing that I still have dvds I haven't finished and games I haven't played) so I can do that whilst I save my money for awesome things. I'm meant to be saving and have £1k in savings by the end of the year but it does not look like that is going to happen. I just enjoy shopping too much...  If I'm to hit target starting next payment month I need to save £141 from each £250/300 payment I get... so I don't really see that happening at all. It's not including any birthday or christmas money that I might get. It is possible though. It's not like I actually do much, I just like shopping too much :P but I'm sure I can survive on £100 a month. I don't have rent or bills to pay. I just need to pay for travelling and food when I'm not at home... yeaaaaaaaaaah.

 

I've been trying to be more active. More exercise and things. It's difficult though because I am lazy and exercise is effort. I need somewhere where I can go dancing or something. Or maybe hathayoga. I never know where you can go for these things and then I get scared because I'll be going by myself and I won't know anyone and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH scrry biscuits! I think I would really enjoy yoga though. All stretches and things but still activey. I want to do one with a bit of movement although I have heard that it is very soothing to do in general and that would be nice. Stress relief and all that. But also feeling good about myself and getting endorphins and things. It would be all very good. Just need to motivate myself do go do! I'm getting there...

 

I'm also a lot happier currently than I have been in a long time. It's a nice feeling. Although sleeping still isn't working and now I'm cutting out my snacking habits so it might fall somewhat there. But let's work on the positives rather than the negatives! There should be no room made for negatives. Realisticness yes, unrequired negativity does not need to be in my presence. I like being happy.

There are some bads. There are some sads. But they will not overcome me. By the power of greyskull and all that nonsense. I'm just a bit optimistic today is all.

Hopefully next time I write it'll be at least a little bit of a picture round :)

All of the loves, Buttercup

xxxxxxxxxxxx

You don't really know why but you want justify rippin' someone's head off

Some days all I need to do is rant so please excuse me whilst I do such things.

I actually started planning this in my head whilst watching Explosions In The Sky at The Sage a few nights ago (they were fab just my mind tends to wander especially when there are no lyrics to follow - shoegazing instrumental music). There are three things that people do (on a regular basis around me) that really, really bothers me.

1. Litterbugs. It's pretty much my number 1 hate. Ok, remember when I said it was based on things that people do around me? Yeah, that's important to note! Because really genocide and animal cruelty would be higher but I'm not in contact with things like that, not on a regular basis.

I see so many people around here drop litter and cigarette butts. It's just unnecessary. We have bins on most street corners (and in the more urban areas we have them in the middle of streets and part way down and everything). There is absolutely no need to litter at all. Yet they do. I see people litter beside bins. Like they're walking past them and drop litter just past it or before it. Why?! The world is already being destroyed by us. There is tarmac and pollution and general disease that is caused by us and yet, fair enough you can't fix that part easily just being one person, you don't need to add to it by being a troll! It makes me so ragey!

2. Acts of senseless and random violence and destruction.

One night someone walked around the streets where I live and slashed at least one tire on each car they passed. Someone once threw a brick through mama's car window for no reason, I say no reason because nothing was stolen. I've seen cars and motorbikes set on fire during my earlier years. Broken glass in bus shelters, phone boxes and shop windows. The rioting last year. I just don't understand the point.

What is the reasoning behind just breaking things? I get wanting to rip up a bad picture that I've drawn or smashing up a cake that's gone wrong but why break other people's things? It just seems unfair. And especially breaking council property like bus shelters because then they'll complain that there's no money anywhere, well yeah, you are costing them a fortune in repairs.

3. Talking in concerts.

This is mostly why I started thinking about this at a gig. It was a sitting down gig at The Sage. To me, sitting down gigs or concerts mean a certain level of respect, if only because the people around you can't move somewhere else if you are being too noisy. We had this issue at the Evanescence concert. Two men, sitting behind Blue and me talking non-stop. I say talking, this term is loosely applied since I could hear them more than the band. If you want to sit and talk over music, buy the cd (most artists have a live one out if you need to have the atmosphere) and shout in your own home. It'll save you money and my rage.

I'm ok with occasional comments, the "ooh that was a nice bit", "look at him what the hell is he doing?" "this is so awesome" etc. but incessant shouting? STFU.

Tonight I'm feeling annoyed because I want some software to do some music work that isn't the usual Sibelius. I love sib and we get on very well but I'm wanting a DAW (digital audio workstation). I was looking into ProTools because I've used that at uni. Not only is it crazy ass expensive but also requires hardware to run it. I looked into Audacity and Ardour because they are free but Audacity looks like what MSPaint is to Adobe Photoshop and Ardour isn't available for Windows. Mac and Linux yes but Windows no. I'm going to try the FL Studio (formally Fruity Loops) demo but my main issue is that if I do discover that it's awesome I'm going to have to pay about $300 for it and owies that's a lot of money. I'll let you know how I do with the demo though.

On the plus side I've mostly got my midi keyboard working. It is a great little keyboard but I haven't worked out how to use it correctly with Sibelius. Mostly just a volume sensitivity issue which I need to work out how to resolve.

I wonder how people who create electronic based music start out because all this software is expensive and then all the hardware like mics and instruments and mixing desks and stuff is expensive. Then you normally need a Mac of some description because they are better for music (or at least have more software and hardware). So how do you start out? Or do they start out by using the software that is available at school/college/uni and build from there. I wish I had used the studios at uni a lot more than I did. Problem was my best time for working and desire to experiment with things like that is 9pm onwards and that was highly impractical for getting the bus home.

I just want to make nice musics and feeling like I'm hitting a brick wall at every turn.

The worst part is is that for once I had ideas of things I wanted to do. I was feeling generally creative and now it's 11:30 and I need to go to bed soon because I have a G&S rehearsal tomorrow. Great though it is being in G&S it doesn't half suck up my creative time when it's almost showtime. But yes I was feeling creative with two compositional ideas getting really juicy and one other idea that is just popping by but I can't do anything with them because I don't have the soft/hardware. 

I just want to be awesome, but it's so much hard work T_T

Nanight lemonies, Buttercup xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

There are a few parts to this blog:
1. General update
2. Minecraft talk leading to scaryness
3. Nail varnish

I thought I would give you this knowledge in case you come across a block of text that you find boring. Everything kind of gets mixed together but that is the best way to split up my writing.


So I'm half way through my third week at work and I'm rather enjoying it. I am knackered every day after just two hours (although the two mile bike ride (one way) can't help towards that either, my poor thighs!) and my back has already started hurting (joy, oh joy, hello slow muscle crawl, hope I didn't miss you at all ¬¬) but we have good laughs.

I went on my first training session yesterday and it was just like being back at school for two hours (everything seems to be twos!) right down to me not knowing any answers... except I did get one but man I felt horribly stupid again. It's that engaging brain to do things... it just doesn't work on demand. I know I'm not that stupid I just can't seem to do very well in those scenarios. Except it was fine and I'll get paid for turning up and it was compulsory so it wasn't bad.

As a slight aside it was about diversity and equality and was actually rather interesting on what you can get called up on, or call people up on. But then got me wondering about identity and ended with some vodka apple to make shush :P

So work is going pretty well. In between work and other such things I am copying up the Iolanthe score for this year's Buxton. This would be fine, if it wasn't so damned long and such a complete arse(!) of a score. There are inconsistencies throughout and there are some pages that haven't been printed properly so you kind of have to make educated guesses on what notes you are meant to put. It's donkey work. It's not really very interesting but you can slave away and it's done without thinking too much. I was attempting to do the whole score in 2 weeks but that would have destroyed me so now I'm just working at it as much as I can.

In between doing that I have rediscovered my love for Minecraft. For such a cheap game (it was £7 for me almost a year ago but it'll be about that now or mebs up to £10) it's quite amazing and you don't have to pay for upgrades (of which there have been numerous). You essentially pay once for an account and you can play for as long as it is running. I love exploring, I love collecting and crafting. Making houses and enjoying the, however "pixellated" it is, the scenary. Notch has been playing with the light settings and wow I was rather impressed actually. I will tell you what I don't like though.

That. I don't like them at all. He is called an Enderman. It's from the Nether, which I haven't yet explored at all so I don't know anything about it. He can pick up blocks and move them (currently he is holding a dirt block). This is fine in itself, although it changes the scenery, so long as you don't make your safe house out of a "moveable" block because then he might let other, more hostile, mobs in, such as zombies and creepers. That is fine. Enderman, move what you like. If you make eye contact he will stare you down. I have only had one experience of this and it was from a safe place where I could hit him repeatedly until he stopped. He will approach you and stare at you. If you break eye contact he will kill you.

Now that's not a very nice way to play that game. He also has either a higher attack than you, a higher health bar than you or both because unless you can kill him before you break eye contact you will, at least nearly always, die (apparently, according to the wikia). Even that isn't too bad. Ok, try not to make eye contact with them, just don't look directly at them, that's plausible.

HE FECKING TELEPORTS.

This I cannot cope with. Unless the level is more than 3 blocks higher than the level he is currently on he can teleport onto it (I'm not sure how far lengthwise though... I saw one teleporting around from a nice high vantage point and it looked like about 30 blocks). I had one of them teleport next to me. What the actual hell? I practically died on the spot (it also didn't help that he was followed in very quick succession by a creeper... or more to the point I was followed). What if they teleport into your viewpoint and you realise too late because you were already turning? Why does it need to do something quite so damned creepy?!

Ok I have a major issue with teleporting things or more accurately, things that move without moving or without you being able to see them move. I was never the wolf in "What's The Time Mr. Wolf", except by force, because it creeped me out. Remember these guys?:

Yup Dr. Who's Weeping Angels. I found that hard to watch because of the "teleportation". I know, it's not quite the same but essentially it had the same idea. It moved without you seeing that it moved. It bothers me a lot. Although, yes they were creepy regardless. I think they were the scariest thing on that show yet (although I haven't watched half of Tennant or any of Smith so there may have been creepier but imo they are the ones that take that crown). (Another aside I just got distracted with a video of 500 miles (The Proclaimers) with the crew and some of the cast of Dr Who dancing along to it. It's quite cute, if only for wor David's grin all the way through).

I'll tell you someone else who creeps me out:

Most of the film (bar one second where it shows rope being pulled out of someone's mouth) I can watch fine. It's not really scary. Samara crawling out of the tv? Fine. Samara suddenly appearing in front of people, after crawling out of the tv, without needing to move? Hell no. Only part I can't watch. Point is, if I can't see it move, it's terrifying.

But enough of horribly creepy things. I should probably go to bed soon. Tomorrow is Friday (yay) which means that I get two days off (yay) before going back to work again on Monday (boo) but it does mean that I get to buy more pokemon cards (yay - it happens every Monday atm to make them better) and also I only have 3 weeks until we break up (yay) which is kinda rubbish because I haven't started Christmas shopping and it's not that long now (boo). I also get to paint my nails tomorrow (yay) because it isn't allowed at work (boo) but it shall be sparkly because I am all about the glitter atm (yay).

Just to share these are the ones I have right now:

Ok maybe I should make my own swatches at some point. Maybe I'll do one over the weekend (it'll be Snow Globe fo' sho' because it's my newest one and I need to try it out).

L-R T-B:

China Glaze: Snow Globe. White holographic sparkles of varying size. As of yet unknown quality.

China Glaze: Fairy Dust (bought to replace my old Miners Photo Finish that is very gloopy, but still works). Holographic glitter. Very nice to apply (probs because it's C.Glaze) and very good coverage.

Rimmel: Disco Ball. Surprisingly it looked exactly the same as one in the Miss Sporty range but I know Rimmel make up (even if Miss Sporty was £1 cheaper). Blue/silver sparkles of varying size. Nice but you need 2-3 coats to get good coverage at all.

Stargazer: 146. I dislike that stargazer have no names. The names are my favourite part :( Red, blue, green and silver glitters (slightly bigger than Fairy Dust). Nice to apply, quick to dry.

Barry M: Red Glitter. I agree with someone else, uninspired name much? It's got great coverage though and is my only non-silver/white based glitter. It's great over a crimson at Christmas.

17: Glitter Top Coat. Kinda uninspired by this one. Similar colour to Snow Globe but glitter instead of sparkles. It does not have great coverage (or it didn't on my toe nail, but they are tiny and it was far away from my face) but it's a nice colour (white holo, thus the purchase of Snow Globe although they might be nice combined).

I would like some different coloured glitters/sparkles/flakes. Actually I don't own any flakes yet but I have seen some and they are nommy. In winter I get all glittery and sparkly and in summer I like matt colours (which reminds me I should pick up a mattifying top coat at some point) in bright neons. I love wearing nail varnish. Love love love! I need to wear it more. I would like to be able to afford more China Glaze, O.P.I and Nails Inc. but they go past my usual budget of £5 max. I need to learn that it's ok to spend more now that I'm not reliant on pocket money :P It's difficult though and I do want ever so many things. And I still have no more room than last time we spoke.

Oh the difficulties in life! Maximum difficulty! D:

Anyway, lemons and fruit salads for all xxxxxxxxxxx

p.s. I'll let you know how my nail varnish turns out, if I remember.

p.p.s. For those who don't know my hair is now fuchsia, I'm still yet to get a good photo though :/

p.p.p.s. I realise I never tell you where my title is from. I would say "is that ok?" but I don't really mind if it isn't. I presume it doesn't really bother you or you google it if it does because really google is fountain of knowledge.

p.p.p.p.s. I know that fountain of knowledge is often a wiki name but really isn't it more a lake of wisdom? Actually I quite like these metaphors :D

p.p.p.p.p.s  Start now not tomorrow. :)
p.p.p.p.p.p.s. None of the images are my own. They were on googles.

I think the ocean stole my watery soul

So to distract me from life when I can't be arsed to do anything I have taken to spending too much time on two websites:

• Fuck Yeah Beds
• We <3 It 

FYB has some of the nicest bedrooms you will ever see, some lived in, some not digitally rendered, some hotel and some catalogue. I love it a lot but there is one problem, it makes me wish I had a nicer room. I live in a tightly packed box. I would love to have more storage or less stuff, or somewhere else to put all my stuff but whilst I live with my parents that is not an option. Also by my horderish nature I can't reduce the amount of stuff. I can try but it will never be at a low enough amount that I have space.

It does remind me on how much I love fairy lights though and I must remember to:

1. Buy some more at Christmas, including light rope if I can afford it
2. Stop putting all my fairy lights in the loft with the Christmas decorations because I can't use them up there

I like having a lot of light in my room. For those who don't know my room I have a cabin bed. Great for extra space, not so good for lighting. It's nearly always really dark at my desk unless I have my desk light on and then it's dark everywhere else if the main light isn't on. I'm used to a lot of light in my room as well because I have a west facing window so I get all the fabulous sunsets filling my room with golden hues. It's a lot more useful for me than the east facing window my brother has because mornings will never be my thing.

I also want more glow in the dark stars. Not the stickers but the plastic ones you can stick on your ceiling with blu-tac. I suppose I could use paint but I like the thought of changing my ceiling every so often to match the stars outside and paint is kinda messy and a faff to get right instead of just putting them up and dealing with any mistakes as you find them. I can currently only find eleven and whilst that is the very best number in the world I would like more thanks. It's actually not that easy to get them cheaply either. I don't really want to spend £5 on 20 stars. I feel like that should be maybe half that cost but I haven't bought glowy stars in ages. Currently I have a rough constellation of Draco on my ceiling (it's in the sky at the moment with the Draconid shower, not because of the Harry Potter character) but I'm missing two stars from the complete constellation because I simply don't have enough. It would also be nice to be able to have more than one constellation on my ceiling but I would have to make them smaller then. It's actually lovely looking up at the stars before going to sleep. Granted the bed is a lot closer to the stars than is necessary (I can touch them if I reach out ) so it's quite bright but it's actually rather soothing. I'd like to have them coming down onto my walls but again that would require many many more glowy stars than I currently have. Many.

I also don't want to have just packs of one size. I like being able to differentiate the size of the stars in the constellations with different sized glowies. I have three different sizes at the moment but some packs don't give you different sizes. Or they give you like moons and meteors and planets. I don't really care for those, in fact I think I binned all the meteors from my last set. They weren't particularly insulting I just didn't really want them. I don't know how I feel about different coloured glowies either. I have a slightly orange star and a very blue star. I find the blue doesn't really show up at all unless you don't look at it. Other colours are kind of ok but really green is where it is at. They glow the best and it just looks good!

We <3 It is a place where people put images that they like and have found on the internet for other people to look at and enjoy. It is updated constantly, depending on how fast people are uploading. There is normally at least one new image every second or thereabouts. I use it to search for new hair dying ideas or to find new pictures to draw from or just to pass the time. You can often see if someone is posting a lot of similar images so sometimes you get a vein of a theme going on. My favourite is when people start linking cakes. Pretty cakes are so win. I would like to make lots of pretty cakes actually. I don't really like cooking but I enjoy baking quite a bit. I just don't because my brother is better at it than I am and getting the motivation when you know that you aren't as good as someone else in the house is hard work. Hopefully I'll start making some tasty deserts though. I know that practise makes perfect but practise is hard work and time consuming.

Urgh he isn't online. I'll ask later ¬¬. Oooh I'm having some excellent cake ideas for my birthday party/Halloween time :D I will have to try it out first though to make sure it works fine.Om a nom a nom a cake a gone.

Actually on the topic of Halloween I reckon it's my favourite day of the year. It's right in the middle of my favourite season (autumn), the day after my birthday and you get to dress up and have fun :D although I will confess to you that I have never been trick or treating. Well... ok one year, at my party (that was on Halloween) all my friends get really antsy because they wanted to go trick or treating so mama agreed that we could go to two houses (next door and a family down the street that I knew). Then they were all "we're going to keep going" and I was like "well fine then but I'm going home because mama doesn't like trick or treating and I said I would be back straight away". They did come back about a minute after me but that was almost going to have me really sad. The only other time I was going to go trick or treating I had my dance lesson that day and so by the time I got home the people I was going to go with had already gone out and so I didn't get to go. Although mama did say she would go with me, which was nice of her seeing as she hates the whole concept. I declined and continued with my les mising. I'm kind of ok not having been trick or treating ever. I think this year I'm going to put more black and orange ribbons in my hair, it'll clash wonderfully with the pink dye :D I might even see if there are any cute spidery ones or ghosty ones. And I'll be all stripes and fabric and it shall be bon. Actually since Halloween is on a Monday this year I might do all of that on the Saturday for going outness. Or maybe I'll do it on both days. Nothing wrong with lots of Halloween.

Anyway the point is that I love Halloween. I'm not sure why really. It's just awesome. Oh and it's really close to bonfire night and I really love bonfire night too. I love fireworks. I love the sparklies and the whizz bang and the smell of the bonfires and the burnt powder. Actually some years I prefer bonfire night to Halloween. They're both pretty awesome. It's the wrapping up warm to stand outside for a couple of hours whilst daddy and brother set up the fireworks and light them. It's the standing with mama choosing what will be next and having gloved hands put over my ears when it gets too loud. It's the tiny crackle of sparklers and the slight fear that it might hurt even though it never has before. The burnt after image of a firework. The Catherine wheel that never seems to turn right until daddy goes and hits it. Trying to work out where best to light everything in the garden depending on the wind and the plants or trees around. The whipcrack of your neck as a rocket wheees off into the sky at an angle. The different names that make them sound interesting. the occasional disappointment that suddenly bursts into brilliance at the last moment. Writing your name with the sparkler and then just making circles because you forgot how long they last.Sitting up all night with the curtains open, watching the best that the city has to offer from the fabulous view over a school field. Walking down the street yelling "bang" every time a firework goes off, hunting for it before it fades to nothing but smoke.

The week after my birthday is the best week of the entire year.

I've really cheered myself up with all of that. Actually this year that week is going to be a billion times better because on the fourth I'm seeing Evanescence in London with Blue. It's going to be so fucking fantastic. We're going cyber shopping and phototaking and sightseeing and hostel staying and it's all just going to be fab.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah :D

Lemons of love to you all

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

It's like forgetting the words to your favourite song, you can't believe it, you were always singing along.

Hum, where to begin?

I have stopped taking a photo a day and quite possibly the MSH challenge as well.

I did enjoy doing these things but whether it is the fact that I forget to take a photo because my memory is so bad now or the fact that I'm just really bored and not progressing in my photography as much as I was before I have stopped. Some of you probably weren't even aware that I was doing these things. That is fine, you did not need to be aware, this is more me just rambling away to myself.

Regardless, I love taking photos. I'm waiting for some equipment to arrive as we speak (darn delivery times and the fact that to me it feels like we ordered the stuff a month ago when in fact it was only last week ¬¬) and I have a lovely new 35mm SLR (called Chip). I love photography. Love. End of.

But my photography has become flat. Actually a lot of it is done purely to cover that particular day, or to cover that particular scavenger clue and recently you can tell that I was just putting up what I did to cover that. I don't have artistic drive today? Tough. Got a photographer's block? Hey look an item, photo that, there done. How crap. So I'm essentially making what I love into a chore. There's no real challenge and there's no progress. Whilst the MSH is a challenge to a degree really all I have to do is find a loosely related item and it's done. Technically I could take a photo of something barely related, yes I wouldn't get any good marking for it, it would be done.

I made a decision. I don't know much about photography at all. I don't know how to make photos good. I've had some good shots and all of them have been, from a photography point of view, luck. I can work out an alright composition from my art Alevel days, I know how to do that and I know what my strengths are, but taking a photo? Knowing how to get the best, or how to get a good, result out of a shot? Not a clue. Not even a little bit. I barely know how to use my camera and I bought that last December! I haven't played. I haven't learnt. I haven't actually settled on a name for it yet!

So I'm starting a new challenge, and any readers who wish can join in because quite frankly I can't stop you regardless :p, with the idea to learn what my camera does and what the terms mean and how it looks. I'm telling you my rules because I'm following them and I like to set out my intentions to other people because they may come up with a better idea. I think each of my challenges will last 2 weeks. It gives time for days when you just don't care and the camera lies on your desk (re: floor) feeling unloved. When creativity just doesn't happen. Take some photos based around what that is. Different places, settings etc. As many or as few as is fancied. Then when it is the end of that challenge to choose one that is your favourite. Sometimes they'll be camera/tech specific, sometimes they'll just be like a MSH.

I'm probably going to be uploading my "one" on here or on deviantart but I'll be uploading any I think are good on flickr. Annoyingly it's the 10th and I want to start now, because that is how I do things.I'm doing 10 days on this one and 10 on the next (splitting the remaining month into half). I can tell you what this one is, it's one that is good for me since I heart the macro!

SHALLOW DEPTH OF FIELD.

Told you it was macro based :p but I haven't really looked into specifically making my depth of field shallow before. In fact I didn't know how to do it until a few days ago. I thought you set your camera to macro (the little flower shape) and that was what it did. How mistaken! I mean macro settings may have that built in but what if you wanted to take it without using that setting? Or even what about when you use a film camera? I shall tell you the basics of what I know although really you should look into it yourself if you are interested because I might get something wrong.

The wider the aperture the shallower the depth of field. Where one thing is in focus and the rest of it blurs. If you have a long depth of field fewer things are blurry and more is in focus (landscapes are often deep).

To make the aperture wider you use a smaller f/ number. My DSLR can go down to about f/4.5 but I have a manual lens that shoots at f/2.8 if I wanted (I don't think it works with my DSLR though, it just sets to auto and runs through the camera but that is by the by).

So for the next 10 days I intend to take photos that are shallow. I shall let you know my results :D this isn't a huge step outside what I normally play with I just have a better understanding of what I am doing this time around. Macro is something I feel is a strength of mine and so away I go!

Ramble ramble ramble love

and lemons

Buttercup xxxxx