You may say I'm a dreamer

I'd actually be very much ok with that. In fact I might make myself a little label...

That's how ok I am with dreaming. Ok so it's a rubbish little thing I did in photoshop in about 5 minutes (lies it took like 15 but 10 minutes of that was trying to choose a font and even now I'm not happy with this one but meh).

The point is is that I've kinda realised why I want to be a *whispers* music artist. Actually firstly I'll explain why I use music artist instead of say; musician, artist, singer, band member etc. (also I've stopped whispering :P). I don't use musician because in my mind it's either too broad (although it negates my whole point because anything in that list can be thought of as too broad when really I could probably narrow it down with the type of person I am just with the use of a genre) or that it makes me think of people in orchestras or wind bands. You know, a very school thought process of musician. I know it's silly but it's how my brain works (even though The Spice Girls, Korn, The London Philharmonic are ALL musicians it's just not the right term for me). Normally I like the term artist but that is even woolier because unless you know it's specifically to do with music you wouldn't necessarily think of anything but the kind who paints, or draws, or makes sculptures (etc.). But essentially that is what I wish to create. Art. Not crazy art music in the sense of 20th century compositions, although that would be really fun too. But something beautiful.

Note; this is just my definitions on art and stuff. I'm not opening political debates on Tracey Emin or the eternal "what is art?" but that is what I think. Art is beautiful even if it isn't obviously so.

I can probably narrow my field into a subgenre of pop/singer-songwriter. I can see that if I were to do anything on these lines that is where I would fall. Probably with electro hints, maybe some indie influences (this is in the way it is a style now and less of what it means). I'd love to put some rock in there, scene-emoid-rock. I'd like layers, some choral work, some harmony, some chiptune, industrial, shoegazing, minimalism, ambience. Really everything that I love listening to. But here is the thing (and it is a quote from my tumblr originally from less than an hour ago):

"I don’t care if i’m never famous, if I’m never a somebody. None of that really matters. I just want to create something beautiful. So long as I do that it’ll all be worthwhile.

And if that one beautiful thing makes one person feel happy and even possibly better about themselves as a person then I have done more than I would ever dream possible.

Be alive. Keep running."

The last sentence is an obvious reference to Sing by MCR but the interesting point is that they influenced that entire thought. Whilst it was created after watching the official video for The Kids From Yesterday it was somewhat brought forwards by remembering the fan video (of the same track) that was the main influence for the official vid (they asked the creator of the fan vid to help them make their official one which is so wonderful). I've provided a link to both, the fan video was produced first and is the most important one really but it's nice to see the clips of live footage and other videos that the band put together for their video. When you know that at least two members (Gerard and Mikey) have suffered severe depression in the past up until The Black Parade era and you see them now it's just so lovely. But seriously the fan vid gives me goosebumps every time I watch it. They're the same song so sorry if that bit bores you. Just, it's just wow. The last bit, at the end of the fan vid, it's a quote that Frank wrote on his MCR blog after the released Danger Days, read it. You might have to pause the video (I certainly did at least once) but it's also important. Art is the weapon.

The Kids From Yesterday Official Video 

The Kids From Yesterday Fan Video 

The point is is that I would love to make one person feel good about themselves the way that MCR do for me. I mean I guess you could say "hey make something really crap looking and someone will look at it going 'yeah I can make something better than that and so now I feel better about myself'" but that isn't really feeling better about yourself (or at least I don't find it does). It's like listening to a really good piece of music and it making you smile just because it makes you feel that great. It's listening to that piece of music and it making you feel like you are worth something and that, ok so they're famous people and don't know you, but that you are worth a damn. It's the kind of music that makes you put down that compass or knife or other sharp implement and makes you want to dance and do something else. That makes things worth just that little bit more even if it is just them telling you that they're not ok either.

I probably sound ridiculous but that's fine.

The thing is I doubt I could create anything that's worth as much as Sister Hazel and MCR are to me. But why shouldn't I be able to? This is where I am a dreamer and I know it but the main point that I should take from that is to take the dreaming to another level. Maybe trying to bring it to life. Just trying and see where it gets me. I know I can compose some ok music. I know that that is a thing. I got a 2:1 overall for my compositions in my final year. Those aren't bad marks.

There is one thing that I need to improve on though and that is lyric writing. It doesn't help that I mostly feel like a wazzak writing lyrics because ultimately I feel like 15 year old emo me. I can come up with some pretty ok single lines that sound obscure and wonderful but anything more, putting two or three lines together, just don't work. And then once I do that it's getting music and words to fit together. 

It's so tricky.

I'd quite like to start a band but I don't know enough people who would want to band with me. I don't have songs that I could go "hey people I have these, let's go". I mean that would be fab but I also don't know anyone who would want to start a rock band with me. But hey, if you're reading this and are thinking "I was wondering the same thing as you" then seriously geti n touch and maybe we could do something. I mean we can always have a go :D.

Another option is to start with dance type music. More instrument driven then lyric driven and build up from there. I already want to write some dubstep type music at some point and with that you can remix or sample from other people's music very easily and make a fabulous piece of music. At the moment I'm very into any type of danceish music. We went to an industrial night at our rock club and Blue and I danced quite continuously for about 3 hours, and this was very energetic dancing (still feeling a little bit of that work out still). That music was moving people. Not just that they wanted to have a little groove. These people were really into it and none of us cared if we looked like numpties. We were throwing our arms around, jumping up and down, side to side. Everything was good. It's all just wonderful. I'm hoping that we go back, I mean I could go back by myself but it's best with Blue.

The other thing that I want to do is I want to work into my dissertation. I was talking to my brother about it and he was actually rather encouraging about it. I thought it was terrible, terribly written, too waffly, too many subjects in such a small space of time, just not good enough. But he said it was actually really interesting. I mean the topic helped but maybe it wasn't all that bad? Maybe it is worth going back to it, doing more research, working into it. I would love to do a MMus on it (that and composition of ambient music, music for a purpose or to enhance an experience (a lot like the stuff that my dissertation is on) such as that of gameplay music). I'd love to take it to PhD level but I can't justify the money spending on a further degree or two for something that isn't going to give me a certain (or semi-certain) job at the end. But I definitely want to work into it again. I've had a few requests from people to read it which is quite... well shocking for me. I didn't expect that but then again there aren't that many people writing about video game music so I guess it was because of that. The best part is that research involves playing old games because I'm not just looking at the music. I'm not going to be sitting looking at the score or listening intently to iTunes writing every note that passes by and analysing it. That can be interesting but then all I'm doing is looking at music and it doesn't matter on the source. I'm looking at interaction and integration between the music and the game. But that's all for me to write in my dissertation and when I am even happier with it I might get it rebound. Maybe I'll put a postit on the front of my old one and write [beta] on it :3. The next can be 1.0.0 ver.

Now I just need to find time and motivation at the same time. Such an annoyance!

Lemons and love, Buttercup

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

p.s. Even though it's really frosty-cold right now Trouble seems to be doing fine. I was worried she'd freeze to death since we're in minus figures at night and the frost is lasting almost all day even in sunlight but she seems to be doing fine :3

We are the Supernumaries!

So the show that I am in is in just over a week away and I'm still learning the words to the songs. I can learn the notes really quickly but I have a mental block when it comes to learning the words to songs. I can normally pootle along quite easily without knowing them but then it's not tidy. The diction gets thrown out of the window and I have a slight delay whilst my brain takes in what everyone else is saying and making the right sort of sounds with my mouth. It is a very useful ability except when you are performing a show and you really really should know all the words by now. Especially as it is G&S which means that the people listening need to know what we are saying because it's the plot.

Now one thing I am impressed with is the fact that I have been learning the lyrics seriously since Sunday afternoon and now know most of them. It makes me wonder what I could actually do if I tried hard enough all the time. I know I have abilities that I shouldn't waste. I can learn things rather fast when I put in the practise. Like in my first year of university when I had to do a performance module. So after some lessons and stuff I had a couple of pieces that were coming along nicely and one piece I just could not play. I was told off quite a lot and a week later I could almost play the piece fully. How? I practised over an hour every day. For those of you who are musicians this was a grade 8 standard piece. All I did was some good solid practise and I was away. In fact my teacher was shocked and couldn't understand why I hadn't done it sooner.

Maybe I should blame anime. You know when there is a big battle, or sometimes even just a small battle, where one of the people within this battle realises something or improves through it or sometimes is just a battle? And they are all:

"You shall never defeat me!"

*Starts getting their ass kicked*

"I guess I should start taking this seriously!"

*Is still getting ass kicked*

"Now for my super special final attack that will actually do something!"

*Wins*

Ok sometimes they don't win but if they are following that line and they don't die but also don't win it's because they make a revelation just before they should win and realise that they are fighting for the wrong team or whatever. Now I always wondered why they didn't just go *super awesome shiny attack of win and less death* but I think I might actually understand a little now with this ramble (yes I think I've just had the revelation moment!). I'm the same just not at fighting. I totally put off having to do the practise until I really have to and if I had done it sooner it would have made the rehearsals I attended easier. I have been wondering the things I could have been if I had only practised more. A ballet dancer, a dancer in general, flautist, west end chorus member, a singer, an artist. Yes everything is creative and that is what I exceed in the most. I'm not saying I could be the best at these I'm just saying, mostly to myself, that I have let myself down a lot. The dancing ones are now really not practical. Lead dancers have normally practised from practically birth for most of their lives and have had a lead role by now. Or at least have been in professional shows by now. I'm just too old to actually be able to make anything of that. There is still time for the other things though =D

I do miss ballet. One of my few regrets is that I never learnt how to go en pointe. I stopped dancing just before I got to that stage. If I can fit it in I might go back to the dance school I was at and try to get that achievement. *checks website* It's on straight after my Tai Chi class... with no travelling time to spare. Guess I'll have to wait until I've finished uni first then.

 Ballet photos: Swan Lake, Swan Lake, pas de chat (step of the cat, a ballet move).

Having potential is quite bothersome when you are lazy.

I wouldn't be bothered about this so much if it wasn't for the fact that my life has potential to be long and so I still have many years to do things. What if it isn't? What if it's short and it isn't just nothing after you die. What if you have to sit there and consider how much you messed up. How much you didn't take advantage of your self and actually did something with you life? It's just a bit scary. I don't like the word potential very much which is why it's in red... although I don't dislike the colour red.

I'm trying to be more active. To do more things in my life so that I can't complain too much when it gets to the end. Morbid, a little, but very practical. I don't want to have regrets. They suck. I'm trying to make it not an issue.

I guess a counter argument is is that if I had started on some of these things from an early age I wouldn't be right here right now. Depending on how dedicated I probably wouldn't have the friends I do now, certainly not as close as we are and I certainly wouldn't have my G&S friends who are all wonderful people. I don't make new friends easily. I'm shy and overly self conscious but the friends I do have I wouldn't change for the world. Although I would have other friends I guess =p but that is beside the point. I'm here now with the people I know now and it's all pretty good.

I'm not complaining, I'm just saying is all =)

So... stuff

Kate Voegele: Don't Look Away

Something I haven't listened to before but have on my computer. First track seems fair, a hint of country and blues but pretty much generic singer songwriter pop. It's not bad but there is something about her voice that is a bit weird. You know Shakira? Think of her voice. Got it? Well it doesn't really matter that much either way, it's just that Voegele seems to have a similar effected deepness and accent that Shakira has. It's not throughout but there is some of that, I don't know if I'm just making leaps into a connection there but it makes me think of the song Underneath Your Clothes. It's a little perturbing but like I said it's not throughout, it just happens sometimes. Not a bad thing just definitely weird.

The music seems to be inoffensive. It's really generic. Think of Taylow Swift, Amy Studt and the ilk. It's nothing bad just much of a muchness.

It's borderline 3.5ish but it's really inoffensive so it can be 4. It's not the most interesting thing I've listened to but the tracks are ok by themselves. I can see it growing on me a bit but it definitely won't be one that is a favourite and I certainly won't be hunting for a track by her to listen to specifically. Mostly because I don't really remember any of them. It's just not very catchy or interesting but it isn't bad. Meh is a good term.

33/100

Something different!:

Markus Zusak: The Book Thief

OMG I FINISHED IT FINALLY! I haven't been reading much but then I was all like "why not?" and I couldn't remember why not so I decided I was going to finish this one. Ralph P.Watch (pronounced Rayf just so you know) lent it to me. In fact he pretty much handed me the book knowing that I had over 100 books by then of my own to read as well and told me to read it whenever but to definitely read it. So it stayed on my bookshelf for a year or two making its presence felt, a bit of an elephant. Then around November ish(?) I started reading it (I've just realised I enjoy giving the back stories of things in my reviews... I'm rather self-centered and like telling people stories =D just go with it I will get to the actual book soon enough).

Now it hooked me instantly but for some reason I took over 3 months to read it. I'm not the fastest reader in the world but I'm not that slow either I just kept putting it down and not picking it back up for a few weeks. When I did I was reminded of how awesome it was and so things continued. Later, around the 150pages to go mark I found a copy in a local Oxfam shop for £2 so I picked it up and gave back Ralph's.

Ok so the book. It's different. It's very good. I can see that it will be joining all those "modern classics" that are in the "x amount of books you must read before you die". You know what? It's worth of all that. It's different like I said.

You follow the story of the Book Thief who is a girl named Liesel in Nazi Germany of WWII. I don't normally care for war fiction. It's like history but too modern to be really history. The focus is normally on the horror of everything and how people can survive under the greatest of bad times and all that other stuff that accompanies war. This is the story of a girl of about 11-14 (I think, I know she was young-mid teens for a lot of it). She was sent off to a couple to live with them whilst the war was going on. It's just the little things in her life. It's narrated by Death.

The horror that does happen is done so well that it's not all samey. It's actually quite well done. I fell in love with Liesel (something that I haven't had in a while, I don't normally care that much about the characters because I haven't been able to get into them recently. Not sure why but they've always seemed a bit artificial). I wanted to be her friend. To know her. To know her mama and papa. Everything just seemed to hook me in and when I came out the other end (with almost tears but I was reading on the bus and I don't like crying in public =p) I wanted more. I wanted purely more but was satisfied with everything I was given. It wasn't that I felt like I had been let down. I wasn't. It's just I had a thirst for this writing now.

I don't know if it was the story or the writing that had me hooked more. I just wanted more and more and more. That is a satisfying feeling. That is a good book feeling. I get it from my favourite books. Not the feeling of, "well that's that done, what next?" but "wow, that was wow and I still want to read more". I could quite easily reread it already, which is also pretty different for me. It has been put under my loved books on shelfari. I only have 29 on that list (I have 445 on my list of books that I have read to put my list into perspective). Although that list only has one book per series that I loved. So only one of the Dragons of Pern series, almost all of whom could go on there but that would be ridiculous, I use my listing system differently to that =p. Actually I'm a bit weird in that regard but I understand it and that's the main thing.

Anyway. Excellent book that I would recommend to pretty much anyone. I will go and force my mama to read it... actually one minute.

Hahahaha she's going to start it tonight =D awesome. See I recommended it like I said! You should be able to pick up a copy from a charity shop pretty easily if you fancy reading it. It's been in a lot of 3 for 2 offers in Waterstones because it became a bestseller pretty quickly so it isn't hard to find.

3/52 yeah I'm behind but I've already started my next one =) I'll catch up.

Such a good read =D

It's tea now and then I have a rehearsal so I should probably do things other than just blog today... maybe I'll play some more HeartGold (Pokemon - DS game). More sewing tomorrow and a wishlist! Awesome.

Catch you all later

Love Buttercup xxx