Come on then stars, you showy little fuckers, perforate the dark I dare you.

So last night I saw Sharks Took The Rest for, I don't know, the millionth time and I'll tell you what, it really only gets better because one, you know all the lyrics to the album tracks even when you don't realise it and two, when they play new songs it's awesome because then you know there is something new to learn over time (and hope for in a new release). Live music is the best. Currently in the band they have some of Matt Stalker and the Fables helping out and damn is Matt good on the high harmony notes! I keep forgetting this as a thing because I only saw them once (at a STTR single release gig) but he's very good. Funny moment of the night was when the microphone cable fell out of the mic and he had no sound.

Anyway point is good gig was good and I love live music.

Catch up time:

I was in a show. I had a role in a show. I didn't mess up any of my lib (all three lines every night!) and even the singing was fine (even a little bit of quintet goodness worked out in the end). Ultimately I totally rocked it and feel rather confident now. You know that whole "wait... you mean I could actually do it if I tried hard enough/was given the opportunity/didn't really suck at auditions?" yeah that. In fact I'm still feeling rather cocky about it after so many compliments :D I totally want to try at more... even though I do most years... oh little diva stage buzz! Anyway it was awesome because it was The Grand Duke and that's a fabulous show and I was totally knackered every night after it.

I was in another show. The next week. I'll tell you what, the only bit that makes two shows in two weeks crap is that the omgweneedtorehearse stage of the second show overlaps the performance of the first and makes things stressful and difficult. However after a lot of indecision Princess Ida definitely grew on me by performance time (mostly because I got to be angry for 2/3rds of the show and that was a nice change to dense bimbo that seems to be most of the female choruses in G&S).

I didn't get a job. Got the interview though and totally did well at that so I feel ok about the whole thing because confidence is my main issue in life.

I went on an adventure with Tarq. I had been rather ill and one day I asked (in whispers because that's all my voice would allow) if we could go on an adventure.

"what, today?"

"nope, I have work. Tomorrow?"

"ok"

 And that was that. I didn't mind too much where we went, I just wanted to go somewhere slightly different. Really anywhere would suffice. He is excellent at confusing me though and kept pretending to turn off and in fact took the junction back onto the road we'd just come off. It was ridiculous but very fun. Anyway we ended up in Whitby. I don't remember ever going to Whitby before and so it was really nice as a surprise (I totally expected somewhere closer to home than that!) and the weather was really nice. There was lots of fun but especially an awesome red top hat that if it is still there when I go back at some point and I have money I shall buy it because it was amazing! And also lots of interesting shops and views and there was the sea! I love the sea :D I love adventure times. I love Tarq.

Not much else has happened. I've eaten a lot of chocolate today which is both awesome and a terrible idea. Actually I love confectionery a lot. Too much really but it gives me lots of buzzy energy and tastes really good. So really that's ok then :)

There are many things that I'm considering in life. Confectionery, ludomusicology, G&S, recorders... I have always had an issue that I consider too many things at once. I tend towards Jack of all trades rather than particularly good at one thing. I see things on stalls and think "I could make that" or hear a thing and think "I could make something sound like that, or do a similar thing" but aside from being rather useful in making me not spend my money I'm actually not very good at following through. I couldn't even tell you if I was any good at the actual thing or not because I don't get far enough. It's highly bothersome.

I also don't know where I'm going in life. I want to do something awesome but I don't know what. It's that showy little part of me, the diva inside, that knows that I'm not really good enough but could be at least ok maybe, if I tried or even let myself be.

I think once I've finished all the scores that I need to do then I'll find I have a lot more time and a lot fewer things to do and I won't know what to do with myself because then I have to actually be an adult and not the wannabe student that I am. Everything is procrastination and once I run out of procrastinationing I don't know what I'll do!

I also would really like to get back into ludomusicology (game music). There's even a conference in April (which is actually a bit doable because it's in Easter holidays for me!) but then I think it's just me being silly and that I should grow up and you know the real world isn't about doing things like that and all that malarky. I don't know who tells people these things but I guess I'm a bit jaded. I love dreaming but know that it's just a dream and nothing else. But I would like to do more with it because I enjoy analysis, I probably can't do it very well anymore and I don't know any of the right terms, but I do enjoy doing it and video game music analysis is just more interesting to me. You can take the entire soundtrack and find things that link from one to the next or find reasons why this bit of music happens here. Not just "oh the forte here is dramatic for dramaticsake or just to add tension or whatever" but "the forte here links with the image happening on the screen and that makes everything EPIC". I like the links rather than just music by itself. The whole art form rather than just one bit. But whenever I think about it I don't feel smart enough. I don't feel like I could ever be good enough to do any of that and that if anyone read it they'd laugh at me and then kick my whilst I'm down or something.

I waste so much time worrying than actually doing that it's ridiculous. 

Anyone fancy giving me some direction?

Please?

Waiting hopefully,

Buttercup xxxxxxxxx

I must be ahundred and nine, burning, burning, burning.

So... I'm having difficulty working out how to word all of this brainmush that's leaking out all over this metaphorical page. It's being a little impossible so I guess today we'll have to cope with my sporadic thoughts. There's just a bit more going on in there than usual.

First of all I've just finished an hour or so practising for the G&S summer show. There are some pretty tricky moments in a few of the pieces but there is one piece that is somewhat troubling me more than most and that's a piece from Floradora called "Tell Me Pretty Maiden" (not a G&S piece in case you were wondering and don't already know). In theory it's not that difficult. The issue is that it is on treble recorder and this is not an instrument that I am familiar with playing, certainly not before starting this piece. From what I can estimate using my knowledge of grade music for flute this is about grade 5 or 6 (guesstimation) which isn't bad going for someone who didn't know the fingerings for any notes until recently.

I mean it's obviously somewhat easier with the fact that I can already read music and I have a vague idea of how descant recorder works but the notes are all in the wrong place! It's so confusing >.< However I have been thinking, and it is a rather lovely instrument to play, that maybe I should learn some actual graded music. Not pass any grades because that's expensive and I would probably need a teacher and stuff, but just know the equivalent grade that I would be. Learn the scales, the music, maybe even buy some sight reading test books that instrument teachers seem to own, just to know the standard of that. I don't really need to go through the aural tests, I've done those to grade 8 flute.

I just think it would be nice to see how well I can do with it as an instrument. The main issue comes under which board I follow. Now most people would think that this only matters if you're actually taking the tests but if I follow ABRSM which is the standard in most schools, then I can just learn treble and everything is good. But if I follow The Royal Conservatory Of Music then for grade 1 I need to learn either descant or tenor and by grade 2 you can use a variety of different recorders. Later on you must use more than one recorder within your exam. So either route could be interesting and change things quite dramatically. I might learn via the ABRSM one until I can get more recorders. I only have a descant and treble right now but a tenor or a bass one would be pretty damned awesome.

I just think since I am putting quite a bit of effort in now it would be nice to carry it on with other pieces and maybe keep it open as an option for future shows.

 

I have a few projecty type ideas going on too. Something that isn't just music copying. I mean I'll have that for a while yet, quite possibly for a few years, but it would be nice to have things outside that. I want to get back to composition work. I always find it hard to motivate myself when I don't have an end goal. There will be no mark at the end and no teacher to guide me in my ideas. I would ask my friends to give me feedback but I'm always 100% nervous of everything that they might think ever and maybe they'll hate it and think I'm stupid. So... I'm not paranoid at all about that :P. I mostly just need to get to it and do things. Jump off the board and see what's at the bottom. I have half considered composing for the next couple of years and then maybe doing a masters in composition and dissertation but all of that is scary and I don't even know if I can still compose anymore.

I have some early saplings of beginnings of ideas. I'm trying not to rush them too much, because I tend to get caught up in the ideas for a week or so and then they leave. Part of the issue there though, is that the one main one I have in my mind currently will take a lot of prep work before actual composition so I don't know if it will get anywhere. Would be epicly good though if it did.

The other side of that is that I need to get some research in. My dissertation work would be within the realms of video game music but I still have no angle. No interesting theme or question to solve. I most just want to analyse. I enjoy looking at how themes have progressed over time or how the music from one game differs to another from its series but is still the same thoughts even if the composers are different and none of the notes are the same. I like looking at how they've developed a piece of music that originated on 8 bit into a full orchestral theme.I like listening to how they've made the music fit to what's happening on the screen. How they've used things in an interesting manner. It's the kind of stuff I want to compose. Music with a purpose, with recurring themes but also ambiance that, without the game or the image, might make little sense other than it is a series of rhythms and notes. I mean I don't need to do post-grad work to do any of that, I can just do it for fun, but it would be nice.

 

I've been enjoying the weather recently. It's a bit greyer at the moment but it's still very warm for me and it's nice. I like not having to wrap up in stupid amounts of layers just to feel almost human, rather than ice. It was even better when it was actual sunshine but then it was too hot in the kitchen and so work was kinda hellish.

One of my main issues with all the things I want to do; they all cost so much money! Ok some don't cost a great deal but if I'm to learn recorder better I need music and music costs money. Post-grad? That's a whole lotta money. That's part of the problem. I can't justify some of it moneywise and until I am in a comfortable enough position then I won't be able to. The recorder music I can acquire over time and it won't be very much which is good but I would certainly have to wait if I wanted to buy another recorder. We may be able to say "money doesn't matter" but it is required to do pretty much anything in life, and if you want to do a lot of things you need to acquire a lot of money. I know that this leads to the concept that I need another/different job that gives me more money but that's easier said than done. I'll have to do a blanket of CVs and kick start all of that all over again. It's a bit demoralising but needs to be done if I want more money and thus more freedom!

 

However I can enjoy reading and listening to music for free because I have so many books and unlistened to tracks (and failing that I still have dvds I haven't finished and games I haven't played) so I can do that whilst I save my money for awesome things. I'm meant to be saving and have £1k in savings by the end of the year but it does not look like that is going to happen. I just enjoy shopping too much...  If I'm to hit target starting next payment month I need to save £141 from each £250/300 payment I get... so I don't really see that happening at all. It's not including any birthday or christmas money that I might get. It is possible though. It's not like I actually do much, I just like shopping too much :P but I'm sure I can survive on £100 a month. I don't have rent or bills to pay. I just need to pay for travelling and food when I'm not at home... yeaaaaaaaaaah.

 

I've been trying to be more active. More exercise and things. It's difficult though because I am lazy and exercise is effort. I need somewhere where I can go dancing or something. Or maybe hathayoga. I never know where you can go for these things and then I get scared because I'll be going by myself and I won't know anyone and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH scrry biscuits! I think I would really enjoy yoga though. All stretches and things but still activey. I want to do one with a bit of movement although I have heard that it is very soothing to do in general and that would be nice. Stress relief and all that. But also feeling good about myself and getting endorphins and things. It would be all very good. Just need to motivate myself do go do! I'm getting there...

 

I'm also a lot happier currently than I have been in a long time. It's a nice feeling. Although sleeping still isn't working and now I'm cutting out my snacking habits so it might fall somewhat there. But let's work on the positives rather than the negatives! There should be no room made for negatives. Realisticness yes, unrequired negativity does not need to be in my presence. I like being happy.

There are some bads. There are some sads. But they will not overcome me. By the power of greyskull and all that nonsense. I'm just a bit optimistic today is all.

Hopefully next time I write it'll be at least a little bit of a picture round :)

All of the loves, Buttercup

xxxxxxxxxxxx

You may say I'm a dreamer

I'd actually be very much ok with that. In fact I might make myself a little label...

That's how ok I am with dreaming. Ok so it's a rubbish little thing I did in photoshop in about 5 minutes (lies it took like 15 but 10 minutes of that was trying to choose a font and even now I'm not happy with this one but meh).

The point is is that I've kinda realised why I want to be a *whispers* music artist. Actually firstly I'll explain why I use music artist instead of say; musician, artist, singer, band member etc. (also I've stopped whispering :P). I don't use musician because in my mind it's either too broad (although it negates my whole point because anything in that list can be thought of as too broad when really I could probably narrow it down with the type of person I am just with the use of a genre) or that it makes me think of people in orchestras or wind bands. You know, a very school thought process of musician. I know it's silly but it's how my brain works (even though The Spice Girls, Korn, The London Philharmonic are ALL musicians it's just not the right term for me). Normally I like the term artist but that is even woolier because unless you know it's specifically to do with music you wouldn't necessarily think of anything but the kind who paints, or draws, or makes sculptures (etc.). But essentially that is what I wish to create. Art. Not crazy art music in the sense of 20th century compositions, although that would be really fun too. But something beautiful.

Note; this is just my definitions on art and stuff. I'm not opening political debates on Tracey Emin or the eternal "what is art?" but that is what I think. Art is beautiful even if it isn't obviously so.

I can probably narrow my field into a subgenre of pop/singer-songwriter. I can see that if I were to do anything on these lines that is where I would fall. Probably with electro hints, maybe some indie influences (this is in the way it is a style now and less of what it means). I'd love to put some rock in there, scene-emoid-rock. I'd like layers, some choral work, some harmony, some chiptune, industrial, shoegazing, minimalism, ambience. Really everything that I love listening to. But here is the thing (and it is a quote from my tumblr originally from less than an hour ago):

"I don’t care if i’m never famous, if I’m never a somebody. None of that really matters. I just want to create something beautiful. So long as I do that it’ll all be worthwhile.

And if that one beautiful thing makes one person feel happy and even possibly better about themselves as a person then I have done more than I would ever dream possible.

Be alive. Keep running."

The last sentence is an obvious reference to Sing by MCR but the interesting point is that they influenced that entire thought. Whilst it was created after watching the official video for The Kids From Yesterday it was somewhat brought forwards by remembering the fan video (of the same track) that was the main influence for the official vid (they asked the creator of the fan vid to help them make their official one which is so wonderful). I've provided a link to both, the fan video was produced first and is the most important one really but it's nice to see the clips of live footage and other videos that the band put together for their video. When you know that at least two members (Gerard and Mikey) have suffered severe depression in the past up until The Black Parade era and you see them now it's just so lovely. But seriously the fan vid gives me goosebumps every time I watch it. They're the same song so sorry if that bit bores you. Just, it's just wow. The last bit, at the end of the fan vid, it's a quote that Frank wrote on his MCR blog after the released Danger Days, read it. You might have to pause the video (I certainly did at least once) but it's also important. Art is the weapon.

The Kids From Yesterday Official Video 

The Kids From Yesterday Fan Video 

The point is is that I would love to make one person feel good about themselves the way that MCR do for me. I mean I guess you could say "hey make something really crap looking and someone will look at it going 'yeah I can make something better than that and so now I feel better about myself'" but that isn't really feeling better about yourself (or at least I don't find it does). It's like listening to a really good piece of music and it making you smile just because it makes you feel that great. It's listening to that piece of music and it making you feel like you are worth something and that, ok so they're famous people and don't know you, but that you are worth a damn. It's the kind of music that makes you put down that compass or knife or other sharp implement and makes you want to dance and do something else. That makes things worth just that little bit more even if it is just them telling you that they're not ok either.

I probably sound ridiculous but that's fine.

The thing is I doubt I could create anything that's worth as much as Sister Hazel and MCR are to me. But why shouldn't I be able to? This is where I am a dreamer and I know it but the main point that I should take from that is to take the dreaming to another level. Maybe trying to bring it to life. Just trying and see where it gets me. I know I can compose some ok music. I know that that is a thing. I got a 2:1 overall for my compositions in my final year. Those aren't bad marks.

There is one thing that I need to improve on though and that is lyric writing. It doesn't help that I mostly feel like a wazzak writing lyrics because ultimately I feel like 15 year old emo me. I can come up with some pretty ok single lines that sound obscure and wonderful but anything more, putting two or three lines together, just don't work. And then once I do that it's getting music and words to fit together. 

It's so tricky.

I'd quite like to start a band but I don't know enough people who would want to band with me. I don't have songs that I could go "hey people I have these, let's go". I mean that would be fab but I also don't know anyone who would want to start a rock band with me. But hey, if you're reading this and are thinking "I was wondering the same thing as you" then seriously geti n touch and maybe we could do something. I mean we can always have a go :D.

Another option is to start with dance type music. More instrument driven then lyric driven and build up from there. I already want to write some dubstep type music at some point and with that you can remix or sample from other people's music very easily and make a fabulous piece of music. At the moment I'm very into any type of danceish music. We went to an industrial night at our rock club and Blue and I danced quite continuously for about 3 hours, and this was very energetic dancing (still feeling a little bit of that work out still). That music was moving people. Not just that they wanted to have a little groove. These people were really into it and none of us cared if we looked like numpties. We were throwing our arms around, jumping up and down, side to side. Everything was good. It's all just wonderful. I'm hoping that we go back, I mean I could go back by myself but it's best with Blue.

The other thing that I want to do is I want to work into my dissertation. I was talking to my brother about it and he was actually rather encouraging about it. I thought it was terrible, terribly written, too waffly, too many subjects in such a small space of time, just not good enough. But he said it was actually really interesting. I mean the topic helped but maybe it wasn't all that bad? Maybe it is worth going back to it, doing more research, working into it. I would love to do a MMus on it (that and composition of ambient music, music for a purpose or to enhance an experience (a lot like the stuff that my dissertation is on) such as that of gameplay music). I'd love to take it to PhD level but I can't justify the money spending on a further degree or two for something that isn't going to give me a certain (or semi-certain) job at the end. But I definitely want to work into it again. I've had a few requests from people to read it which is quite... well shocking for me. I didn't expect that but then again there aren't that many people writing about video game music so I guess it was because of that. The best part is that research involves playing old games because I'm not just looking at the music. I'm not going to be sitting looking at the score or listening intently to iTunes writing every note that passes by and analysing it. That can be interesting but then all I'm doing is looking at music and it doesn't matter on the source. I'm looking at interaction and integration between the music and the game. But that's all for me to write in my dissertation and when I am even happier with it I might get it rebound. Maybe I'll put a postit on the front of my old one and write [beta] on it :3. The next can be 1.0.0 ver.

Now I just need to find time and motivation at the same time. Such an annoyance!

Lemons and love, Buttercup

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

p.s. Even though it's really frosty-cold right now Trouble seems to be doing fine. I was worried she'd freeze to death since we're in minus figures at night and the frost is lasting almost all day even in sunlight but she seems to be doing fine :3